How to Confront Your Husband About Flirting (without Starting a Fight)

Encouraging engaged relationships is one of the essential areas that invariably gets addressed in most one on one fertility intervention sessions with intending parents.
Believe it or not: I have had clients who were trying for children for years and had seen the best doctors yet nothing BUT when emotional unburdening and self awareness sessions were addressed : the bodies was at peace and conception happened without any external intervention.
When most love: we give everything unreservedly so it can really be shattering to find that your partner,for whom you could vouch is faithful, may be flirting with another.
I am of the school of thought that Cheating started way before penetration or body contact.
Cheating starts from that point where the mind pushes the “unease conscience pang” aside and indulges regardless in guilty pleasure.
The Lockdown has aided increased online presence and this also brought with it : lots of unbecoming conversations between people that are not In a relationship and the married are by no means excepted.
So in one of our recent fertility intervention sessions: Mrs Chioma expressed how she tried confronting the husband about a fling and he told her that she is nagging with the scripture “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop [on the flat roof, exposed to the weather] Than in a house shared with a quarrelsome (contentious) woman”
So she asked me in tears “So someone cannot talk again without being talked nagging?, ok so
How do I confront him with this without seeming quarrelsome”
It was this question that inspired this post to share a few tried and proven Ways to Get the Respect & result that you want when resolving conflicts/addressing unsettled marital with your spouse.

Is a woman flirting with your husband at work or sextexting?  Or maybe he’s the one flirting with another woman? 

Either way, it is crazy-making to deal with a flirty husband!  It’s scary to think what that might lead to. The possibilities are endless and it’s even more scary when you are yet to give him a child or a (male) child as the custom demands (what***ever that even means😏)
It’s also just plain hurtful to live with.
Does he really expect you to turn a blind eye to such blatant misbehavior?  How are you supposed to ignore his ogles, sexy selfies that aren’t sent to you, smiles at his phone , and winks?

That’s not right.  He should be more respectful and control himself,right?

But what if he won’t?

It’s embarrassing, and it can make you feel like a fool.

Fortunately, you can use your influence to put an end to such disrespect.

Here are 4 ways to end the flirting problem and get the respect you deserve, without having to just ignore it. 

1. Don’t Make This Very Common Mistake

Face it: Flirting has many purposes. 

It could be reward-seeking or looking for proof that he’s still “got it.”

It could be an awkward way of getting your attention, even if it’s negative(disappointedly so)

It could also be a way to shore up a self-esteem issue.

That doesn’t make it right.

That doesn’t make it okay.

But knowing that could be a clue that helps you resolve the issue.

Here’s what I mean: Every ENGAGED marriage is a Work In progress and ONLY works when you work it.

if your husband is dissatisfied with the relationship because you’re unhappy with him (maybe because of all his ogling), he may compensate with what he considers harmless flirting.

We all have a deep need to be heard and seen and known in big and small ways. That’s just human. If he’s looking for that, ask yourself: Has he been able to get that from me recently?
(Face it, girl)
I’m NOT saying his flirting is your fault. Not at all.
But if your relationship is falling short or you’ve lost the joyful spark that attracted him in the first place, then you have more power than you realize to keep his wandering eyes firmly planted on you😉

And it’s not going to happen by scowling at him, even though you’re hurt and upset(I know it must hurt but you need to have a grip on your emotionsto achieve what you want)

That’s a very common mistake I see so many women making, but it actually makes things worse because what he’s missing the most is your happy, sexy smile directed at him.

Have you flashed him one of those recently or are you stuck in your phone or other motherly duties? Can he still get the validation and approval from you that he used to get?

It’s easy to become serious or overwhelmed when there’s a lot on your plate. Who knows: maybe You may have lost the playfulness you once had.

Consider what’s happening on your side of the street.
Look inwards:

Ask yourself if you have behaviors that might cause your spouse to feel insecure?

Of course you don’t intend to make him feel insecure, but him flirting could actually be a symptom that he’s not sure you think he’s still “got it.”

Just letting him know that you think he does could go a long way toward ending his flirting with others.

2. Avoid Unwittingly Making His Flirting Worse

When Mrs Chioma was worried about her husband’s too-close-for-comfort relationships with other women, she laid down the law and made it clear that if he ever cheated, she’d be out of there!
Guess what happened after her ultimatum?  He cheated.

Author John Gray of Mars and Venus fame nailed it: “When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.”

That’s not to say it was Mrs chioma’s fault, but it was a painful lesson for her: I showed her HOW “what she focuses on ~increases”
When confronting your spouse or speaking up to clear an issue: Have your purpose of that conversation in mind and then arrange your mode of communication in such a way that you communicate TO ACHIEVE YOUR PURPOSE”
The moment she shifted her focus to how faithful he is and how much he wants to please her, she’s the one he’s flirting with now! 

No one likes a nag.  If you bring up every one-off instance where he flirted/slipped, that will only make him feel like your personal punching bag, and he’ll retreat even further.

Also, if you’re anything like me, you don’t just want him to stop flirting, you want him to NOT want to flirt with someone else.

But “laying down the law” does just the opposite of what you want it to do. The moment you make an ultimatum, you’re dangling forbidden fruit that actually makes him more likely to continue the unwanted behavior.
Here are some “home call” questions for you:
Is there a certain stressor in your marriage that leads to him flirting?  For instance, does he get more flirtatious with other women after you’ve had a nasty spat?
It can be even more crazy-making when that happens, but consider the possibility that you could interrupt the whole vicious cycle yourself by changing up just your lines in the familiar argument you have about flirting, just like Mrs Chioma did.

3. Get More Respect and Reconnect with These Three Words 

Men want to feel masculine: most men do.  Going into “mom-mode” by scrutinizing his every move tends to have the opposite effect (not to mention killing the intimacy since nobody wants to have sex with his mother)😂

So don’t get too caught up in the details of his flirting, like saying, “Remember the last time you ogled that lawyer : you promised this will not happen again?”

Naming names will put him on the defensive.  Nobody’s at their best when they feel defensive.

Instead, listen to his side of the story, even if you don’t agree with it.  Simply responding with “I hear you” when he opens up and shares with you : is a magical way to create a culture of mutual respect. 

After all, conflict resolution is a two-way street. 

If you’re not rehashing the dirty details of his deeds, what are you supposed to communicate about?  Try recognizing his strengths and the strengths of your relationship.  Consider going a step further and actually expressing your gratitude for all those strengths.
This works magically I tell you:
This does double-duty: You quit giving oxygen to the behavior you don’t want (which actually increased it), instead increasing what you do want to see more of. 
You’ll also create a culture of gratitude this way, so be prepared to be on the receiving end of lots more appreciation!

4. Bring the Butterflies Back
On my husband’s birthday recently: I shared on my page how it’s strange that I still get that “butterfly feeling in the belly” for a relationship of over a decade?!
Marriage is work and its never greener on the other side of the fence.
Work up the fun in your marriage!  Use tiny gestures that show him your flirty side.  whats your husbands love sign? Does he know yours?
Hugging, kissing, and handholding are all strong relationship anchors.

An old ad for jeans wisely put it this way: You flirt not because he looks good but because YOU do.

In other words, feeling good about yourself – whether it’s because you gave yourself a pedicure, are flush from a brisk walk, or spent the whole day at a self-pampering–is a great springboard to flirting.
Well: for me it is!
I am so tomboy hardcore grind out there but when I walk past my doorpost: I’m such a mushy flirt 😜

Outside flirting is often a way for him to rediscover the passion and excitement you shared in the early days of your relationship.  If you miss that too, think about what you could do to bring back those butterflies-in-your-stomach moments.

When Ife mentioned at our fertility intervention about how her husband’s flirtation with his secretary went too far and he told her that he needed a three-month break from her, we ran some relationship-engagement programs which was focused more on:
You need to show YOU that you love yourslef more. If you cant love yourself: why blame someone else for not loving you?

So she went home and went full Goddess of Fun and Light mode.  She piled on fun, indulged in activities that made her happy, making a point to schedule at least three per day.
We worked on changing even her home-clothing :
She dialed up the gender contrast by dressing more sexy and feminine at home.
She’d become so irresistible that he couldn’t even wait three months before coming back home.  He started saying “I love you” several times a day, which he had never done in all their years together.  He now held her so tightly at night that she ended up sleeping crooked so as not to forego the delicious snuggling🤪

The chemistry was definitely back!  And the extracurricular flirting was gone.

The same can happen in your relationship when you focus on doing the things that bring you closer.
There is no one size fits all for this.
The remedy differs as per each’s situation but one thing is sure: Applying the right communication styles and approach to the peculiar situation will make the relationship a lot better.

Cheers to your evergreen love life.

©Chika Samuels
Founder, Soprecious Fertility & Lifestyle intervention center.

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